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Usain Bolt sent to Mars (swine flu)

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  • Usain Bolt sent to Mars (swine flu)

    Approximately two dozen top level Jamaican athletes were forced into quarantine late wednesday night, when it was discovered that they had swine flu.

    They would have been held in a simple quarantine chamber, located near the north east shore of the island, however many of the athletes resisted, and refused quarantine, Usain Bolt included.

    After a lengthy discussion with the head of the health board, it was determined that the quarantine chamber was not adequate for a risk of such extreme magnitude.

    "We can't take any chances here. This is like the bubonic plague times 100 trillion. We decided to do the only truly safe thing we could. We sent them to Mars. We know their families and fans will understand."

    The athletes were forced by a special forces police team onto an interplanetary rocket, where they were provided with 15 years worth of food, water, and oxygen, which would hopefully be sufficient to allow them to survive on Mars for long enough to find a way to convert the Martian atmosphere into something breathable, with a higher oxygen percentage than it currently has.

    Minutes prior to launch, Tower Control Transmitter 3b had the following voice transcript with athlete Usain Bolt:

    Control: How are you guys doing in there? Are you all strapped in properly?

    Usain Bolt: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?! LET US OUT OF HERE!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF G-"

    Control: Sorry we're gonna have to cut you off, launch sequence in t minus 117, go for launch. Tower to craft will be terminated until you have reached zero gravity. Good luck! We thank you for your cooperation.


    The board of health says they are pleased with the decision to send the infected athletes to Mars.

    "Yes, it is unfortunate that such drastic measures needed to be taken. But he... this is SWINE FLU people... not the chicken pox... can't just mess around you know."

    When asked why none of the cricket athletes infected with swine flu had been sent to Mars quarantine, like the track athletes had, the head of the health appologized that he could not comment, because his voice had become dry and raspy, since he had forgotten to bring a water bottle to the press conference. "I would reply, but my mouth is dry and sore because I didn't bring any water. I will answer more questions next decade when my throat is less parched. Thank you that is all." and thus concluded the press conference.

    The athletes are expected to reach Mars in early July.

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