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  • Some Funnies

    Quotes from the Edinburgh Festival :

    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
    Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
    Jimmy Carr

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
    bears.
    Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
    our family holidays in Customs.
    Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

    The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
    sh*tting herself.
    Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
    was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
    sleep at night.
    Susan Murray at the Underbelly

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
    were given pointed sticks?
    Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

    My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
    was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
    Susan Murray at the Underbelly

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
    because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
    flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
    Self-raising?"
    Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
    the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
    Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

    I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
    Girl out of Cork...
    Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

    Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
    out it was a bloody hoax.
    Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
    winner and a loser at the same time.
    Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
    hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
    the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
    plumber".
    Steven Alan Green at C34

    Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda ( Walmart ).
    Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

    It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
    Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
    very good at it.
    Arnold Brown at The Stand

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
    then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
    trained for that.
    Milton Jones at the Underbelly

  • #2
    They are ALL funny, but the Dido one made me laugh out loud at the monitor. The future of Brit humor is in good hands (as opposed to the past!) [rimshot!].

    Comment


    • #3
      So im on the road workin and my wife calls me and she's out of her mind saying the dog pooped on the carpet. So i said well, then shoot him! What do you want me to do about? Im 2,000 miles away? Look honey, listen closely, put him outside. He WILL poop outside. Ive seen him do it!

      Ron White
      phsstt!

      Comment


      • #4
        Those are funny, man. Thanks!

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by SQUACKEE
          So im on the road workin and my wife calls me and she's out of her mind saying the dog pooped on the carpet. So i said well, then shoot him! What do you want me to do about? Im 2,000 miles away? Look honey, listen closely, put him outside. He WILL poop outside. Ive seen him do it!

          Ron White
          Anything by Ron White is usually hilarious but most of them probably would get canned from this list

          Comment


          • #6
            Joe: So, after all this sh*t, I can't believe they're still together...

            Bob: Who? Who's still together?

            Joe: My arse cheeks...

            Comment


            • #7
              I like this "clean" little story.

              He's in a bar getting drunk and the bouncers throw him outside cause he's wearing a hat. Meanwhile a cop sees him and says "im arresting you for being drunk in public!" Ron White says " i dont want to be drunk in public, i want to be drunk in that bar but they threw my outside!!"
              phsstt!

              Comment


              • #8
                from a wizard of id cartoon (mostly only americans might get the context of this):

                two ladies are eating lunch. the fat lady orders a big dessert. the smaller lady says, "i thought you were on diet." the fat lady answers, "yes, but a waist is a terrible thing to mind."

                Comment


                • #9
                  "A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

                  During their vacation, the wife had a heart attack and died.

                  The undertaker told her husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

                  The man pondered about it and told him he would ship her home.

                  The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

                  The man replied,............

                  "Long ago a man died here.........

                  was buried here.........

                  and three days later he rose from the dead. -----------

                  I just can't take that chance.""

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Needless to say, MJD, there's another version, which I think I've actually seen more often. It's the same joke, but it's the husband who dies.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Tallulah Bankhead was in the women's washroom once upon a time, and noticed there was no toilet paper. So she knocks on the divider wall and says "We're out of toilet paper here. Do you have any over there?" "Oh, goodness, there isn't any here either!" comes the slightly shocked response.

                      A couple of minutes go by, and Bankead knocks again : "Got two fives for a ten?"
                      Take good care of yourself.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Canadian songstress Jan Arden [Insensitive, Can I Be Your Girl] is a very funny person in addition to being an extremely talented musical artist. Commenting on Celine Dion's birthday party, she once exclaimed, "It was the first time that the cake came out of the girl", as opposed to the usual stunt.
                        Take good care of yourself.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Did you hear the one about the baby seal that walked into a club, and ...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            another e-mail "funny" i got :

                            "Liz

                            SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE


                            (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the
                            message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted
                            unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This
                            is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about
                            because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
                            responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The
                            school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's
                            failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children
                            were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough
                            schoolwork to pass their classes.

                            The outgoing message:
                            "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
                            school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
                            please listen to all the options before making a selection:

                            * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
                            * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
                            * To complain about what we do - Press 3
                            * To swear at staff members - Press 4
                            * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
                            your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
                            * If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
                            * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
                            * To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
                            * To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
                            * To complain about school lunches - Press 0
                            * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
                            accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
                            homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
                            effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

                            If you can read this - thank a teacher!
                            If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
                            "

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by eldrick
                              The outgoing message:
                              "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
                              school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
                              please listen to all the options before making a selection:

                              * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
                              * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
                              * To complain about what we do - Press 3
                              * To swear at tafnut - Press 4
                              * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
                              your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
                              * If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
                              * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
                              * To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
                              * To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
                              * To complain about school lunches - Press 0
                              * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
                              accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
                              homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
                              effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
                              A+ for speaking their mind.

                              Comment

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