Some Funnies

[tafnut]

* To swear at tafnut - Press 4

I saw that!! Daisy, I'm not as dumb as you look!!!

[Jack Slocombe]

Political Correctness Defined

Political Correctness Defined:

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

[tafnut]

Re: Political Correctness Defined

Political Correctness Defined:

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

or you could actually look it up in the dictionary:

Of, relating to, or supporting broad social, political, and educational change, especially to redress historical injustices in matters such as race, class, gender, and sexual orientation.

the problem, of course, is that like any 'good intention', over-zealous people apply it indiscriminately to further their OWN agenda.

[mcgato]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

Kind of figured that wasn't true.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/palisades.htm

[eldrick]

this one i got by e-mail ( i hope it'll survive ) :

Subject: indian boy in USA school



It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.



The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.



Who said "Give meLiberty, or give me Death"?



She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand
up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.



"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"



Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.



The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! about its history than you do."



She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."



The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"



Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."



Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"



Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."



Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."



The teacher fainted and hit her head on the edge of the desk.
And as the class gathered around the bleeding teacher on the floor, someone said, "Holy cow, now we're in deep sh*t!"



And Chandrashekhar said very quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

[eldrick]

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper.



REST-OF-THE-WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multicultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax increase for the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and redistributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retrospective taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost ?10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

[eldrick]

clearing out my e-mail : some of these stories may cause some amusement :

NEW YORK- A public school teacher was arrested today
at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a
flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor,a set square, a slide rule
and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI
with carrying weapons
of mathinstruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They
desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents
in search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and
refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As
the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There
are 3 sides to
every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

[bambam]

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper.

Eldrick - that is brilliant.

[bambam]

I love the Ron White stuff but it would be bleeped here. I like all the Blue Collar Comedy guys, especially Bill Engvall. But my favorite stand-up is Steven Wright.

In synchronized swimming, if one of the swimmers drowns, do they all have to drown?

Cross-country skiing only works well if you live in a small country.

I was in a bookstore looking for something in the "Self-Help" section and I couldn't find what I wanted. Nobody would help me.

My wife asked me if I slept well. I said, "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

How do you tell if you're out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.