Death of loved one

[BillVol]

I'm on a few message boards on the internet but I admire the posters here probably more than any of them. May I ask those who have lost loved ones: How do you get through it? I wasn't going to mention it, but I lost my mother a month ago. Completely unexpected. Everything is different now. It is really tough. She is on my mind from the time I get up to the time I fall asleep.

[Vielleicht]

Re: Death of loved one

I'm very sorry for your loss, Bill. And I don't know if this trick only works for me or not but one of my most effective way to deal with untowardness/sadness/frustration is to look forward and try to imagine what you'd be doing (in detail) on a normal day 6 months from now. It wouldn't be too hard to envisage that by then everything should be back on track and you'd be living without emotional struggle again, and now you can tell yourself with some degree of confidence that in time, everything will eventually be fine. I hope it provides some help.

[Marlow]

Re: Death of loved one

The best advice I got when my parents passed away 30 years ago was that they weren't gone at all. She's still in your heart and mind. No, you can't see her or hug her, but you can still love and cherish her. Would she want you to be unhappy because of her? Absolutely not. Continue to love her just as you always did. When you are blue, talk to her and hear the things she always told you. She's deep within you and will never leave you. Her love for you is not diminished in any way. Smile for her. Commit a random act of kindness in her memory. Always remember how much she loved you.

[lonewolf]

Re: Death of loved one

There is no prescription for grieving. Everyone has to do it in their own way. I am sure her unexpected demise is hard to process. You will never forget her but I know from experience the pain will fade with time and you can remember the good times with a smile/laugh.

[aaronk]

Re: Death of loved one

I won't give you any personal examples, but I found one book that says things......in prose and poetry......that resonates when you have a loss.
It's "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"
The 3 authors are Melba Cosgrove, Harold Bloomfield, and the poet Peter McWilliams.
Originally published in the 70's, a revised and expanded edition was published in the 90's.

It lists the kinds of losses, then tells you, in prose and the short poems of McWilliams, what the title says.
A simple, yet helpful book.

Sorry for your loss!

[26mi235]

Re: Death of loved one

My mom died a couple of years ago. It was unexpected 'in the small' (a fall) but not 'in the large'. One thing that made it easier for me is that she was 'dead' but not 'gone'. She lived in the people she knew and loved and was a part of making those people better people. She had passed the torch to 'us' (her kids and others) and so she continues on for me.

[user4]

Re: Death of loved one

My heart hurts for you.

[Helen S]

Re: Death of loved one

Both of my parents died a while ago- my father suddenly, mom slowly from cancer. Griveing for mom started when she was alive, and our whole family was able to come to terms with her death and say our goodbyes over a period of years. Much harder on her, but easier for us.
I must say that almost 20 years later, losing my father suddenly is still harder to deal with. It got better, and at this point I cherish the memories I still have of him.
Sorry for your loss- keep reinforcing those good memories so they continure to be with you for years to come.

[BillVol]

Re: Death of loved one

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. To those of you who have moms and dads around, be sure to love them. Helen, it's tough either way, it seems. Thanks again.

It was so cruel the way it happened. We had enjoyed several visits over the last ten days of her life on earth. I had talked to my mom two days earlier when my brother called. I thought, what do you mean mom passed away last night. I had brought her over a birthday cake. When we went over to clean out her house, the box that had the cake was on the counter in the kitchen. Surreal. I just hope there is a Heaven so I can see her again. It is tough. And there is no solution to this problem.

I'll be starting another thread sometime about how my thoughts about life have changed. Should be good! ;-)

[Marlow]

Re: Death of loved one

I'll be starting another thread sometime about how my thoughts about life have changed. Should be good! ;-)

Here's hoping you meant that in both ways!

[jeremyp]

Re: Death of loved one

There is no good or bad grieving, everyone is an individual, so don't listen to people who tell you aren't doing it "correctly." The best advice I have is to give yourself permission to be you. Whatever you're going through is you, and shouldn't be judged.

[KDFINE]

Re: Death of loved one

My parents both died a while back. When my dad passed away my focus was on being there for my mom. When she passed away the focus changed. After they were both gone the realization hit that my place in the universe had shifted.
Time helped me. They are always with me, especially when there are moments that I know they would have enjoyed.

[kuha]

Re: Death of loved one

My good thoughts to all here. This is the toughest issue, the true existential challenge. Totally universal, and yet always entirely personal.